Smile Archive 2000

APOLOGIES TO ALL BLONDES FOR THIS JOKE - NO OFFENCE INTENDED

A blonde had just got a new motorhome and was out for a drive when she accidentally cut up a truck driver.
He motioned for her to pull over.  When she did, he got out of his truck and pulled a piece of chalk from his pocket.
He drew a circle on the side of the road and gruffly commanded the blonde, "Stand in that circle and DON'T MOVE!".  He then went to her motorhome and cut up her leather seats.  When he turned around she had a slight grin on her face, so he said, "Oh you think that's funny do you?  Then watch this!"  He gets a baseball bat out of his truck and breaks every window in her motorhome.  When he turns and looks at her she has a smile on her face.  He is getting really mad. He gets his knife back out and slashes all her tyres.  Now she's laughing.  The truck driver is really starting to lose it.  He goes back to his truck and gets a can of petrol, pours it on her motorhome and sets it on fire.  He turns around and she is laughing so hard she is about to fall down.  "What's so funny?" the truck driver asked the blonde.  She replied, "Every time you weren't looking, I stepped outside the circle!"

Mary Poppins was traveling home, but due to worsening weather she decided to stop at an hotel for the night. She approached the receptionist and asked for a room for the night.  "Certainly madam," he replied courteously.  "Is the restaurant still open ?" inquired Mary.  "Sorry, no," came the reply, "but room service is available all night.
Would you care to select something from this menu?"  Mary smiled and took the menu and perused it. "Hmm, I would like cauliflower cheese please," said Mary.  "Certainly, madam," he replied.  "And can I have breakfast in bed?" asked Mary politely.  The receptionist nodded and smiled.  "In that case, I would love a couple of poached eggs, please,"  Mary mused.  After confirming the order, Mary signed in and went up to her room for the night.
The night passed uneventfully and the next morning Mary came down early to check out. The same guy was still on the desk.  "Morning madam...sleep well?"  "Yes, thank you," Mary replied.  "Food to your liking?"  "Well, I have to say the cauliflower cheese was exceptional, I don't think I have had better. Shame about the eggs, though....
they really weren't that nice at all," replied Mary truthfully.  "Oh...well, perhaps you could contribute these thoughts to our Guest Comments Book.  We are always looking to improve our service and would value your opinion," said the receptionist.  "OK, I will...thanks!" replied Mary.... then scribbled a comment into the book. Waving, she left to continue her journey.  Curious, the receptionist picked up the book to see the comment Mary had written.  This is what he saw:-

"Supercauliflowercheesebuteggswerequiteatrocious!"

A TRANSCRIPT OF THE NEW ANSWERING SERVICE RECENTLY INSTALLED AT THE MENTAL HEALTH INSTITUTE

Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly 

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you 

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6 

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call 

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship 

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press 

If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press: no-one will answer 

If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969 

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until a representative comes on the line 

If you have amnesia press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number and your mother's maiden name 

If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000 

If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep, or before the beep. Or after the beep.  Please wait for the beep 

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.  If you have short-term memory loss press 9 

If you have low self esteem.  Please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you
___________________________________________________________________

ONE FOR YOU COMPUTER BUFFS OUT THERE

At a recent computer expo, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated;  "If GM had kept up with the technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."  In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating:  
If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:
1.  For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.
2.  Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.  
3.  Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason.  You would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.  
4.  Occasionally, executing a manoeuvre such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would
have to reinstall the engine.  
5.  Only one person at a time could use the car unless you bought "CarNT", but then you would have to buy more seats.  
6.  Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would only run on five percent of the roads.
7.  The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "General protection Fault" warning light.
8.  New seats would force everyone to have the same sized butt.
9.  The airbag system would ask, "are you sure?" before deploying.
10. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (Now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the cars performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Dept.
12.  Every time GM introduced a new car, car buyers would have to learn to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in
the same manner as the old car.
13.  You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off!!

I was in my Motorhome, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and said   'You've been promoted'
And I swerved.
And then he rang up a second time and said   'You've been promoted again'
And I swerved again.
He rang up a third time and said   'You're now the  Managing Director'
And I swerved off the road and went into a tree.
And a policeman came up and said   'What happened to you?'
And I said  'I don't know, I just careered off the road.'
 

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