Smile Archive 2001
The boss of a big company
needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of
the main computers. He dialed the employees home phone number and was
greeted with a child's whispered, "Hello?" Feeling put
out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss
asked, Is your Daddy home? "Yes", whispered the small
voice. "May I talk with him?" the man asked. To
the surprise of the boss, the all voice whispered, "No."
Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy
there?" "Yes", came the answer. "May I talk
with her?" Again the small voice whispered,
"no". Knowing that it was not likely that a young child
would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message
with the person who should be there watching over the child. "Is
there any one there besides you?" the boss asked the child.
"Yes" whispered the child, "A policeman".
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss
asked "May I speak with the policeman"? "No, he's
busy", whispered the child. "Busy doing what?, asked the
boss. "Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman", came the
whispered answer. Growing concerned and even worried as he heard
what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the
boss asked, "What is that noise?" "A
hello-copper", answered the whispering voice. "What is
going on there?", asked the boss, now alarmed. In an awed
whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just landed
the hello-copper" Alarmed, concerned and more than just a
little frustrated the boss asked, "Why are they there"? Still
whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle:
"They're looking for me"
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Jack decided to go skiing
with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Jack's minivan and headed
north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a
terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm house and asked the
attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the
night.
"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge
house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained,
"and I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my
house." "Not to worry," Jack said, "we'll be
happy to sleep in the barn, and if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at
first light. The lady agreed and the two men found their way to
the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather
had cleared and they got on their way and enjoyed a great weekend of
skiing. About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter
from
an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally
determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he met
on the ski weekend. He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked:
"Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we
stayed at on our ski holiday up North." Yes, I
do." Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go
up to the house and have sex with her?" Yes," he said, a
little embarrassed about being found out, "I have to admit that I
did." And did you happen to use my name instead of telling
her your name?" Bob's face turned red and he said,
"Yeah, sorry buddy, I'm afraid I did. Why do you
ask?"
No need to apologize, Bob. She just died and left me everything!
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An
Irishman named O'Malley went to his doctor after a long illness. Then
doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed and looked O'Malley in the
eye, and said, "I've some bad news for you. You have cancer, and it
can't be cured. I'd give you two weeks to a month to live."
O'Malley was shocked and saddened by the news but was of solid
character. He managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor's
office into the waiting room. There, he saw his son who had been
waiting. O'Malley said, "Well, son. We Irish celebrate when things
are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case,
things aren't so well. I have cancer, and I've been given a short time
to live. Let's head for the pub and have a few pints." After
3 or 4 pints, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some
laughs and more beers. They were eventually approached by some of
O'Malley's old friends who asked what the two were celebrating. O'Malley
told them that the Irish celebrate the good and the bad. He went on to
tell them that they were drinking to his impending end. He told his
friends, "I've only got a few weeks to live as I have been
diagnosed with AIDS." The friends gave O'Malley their condolences,
and they had a couple more beers. After his friends left, O'Malley's son
leaned over and whispered his confusion. "Dad, I thought you said
that you were dying from cancer! You just told your friends that you
were dying from AIDS!" O'Malley said, "I am dying of
cancer, son. I just don't want any of them sleeping with your mother
after I'm gone."
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A big shot business man had to
spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain
to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his
employees. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to
do with him. The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him.
She came into his room and announced, "I have to take your
temperature." After complaining for several minutes, he
finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.
"No, I'm sorry, the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I
cannot use an oral thermometer." This started another round
of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his rear
end. After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her
announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT
until I get back!" She leaves the door to his room open on
her way out. He curses under his breath as he hears people walking past
his door laughing. After almost an hour, the man's doctor comes into the
room.
"What's going on here?" asked the doctor. Angrily, the
man answers, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone
having their temperature taken?" After a pause, the doctor
confesses, "Well, no. I guess I haven't.
Not with a carnation anyway."
Click on the picture to see it full size
I took this
photograph during my recent holiday in China as I was impressed with the
technology.
Click on the picture to see it full size
TRIVIA - THIRTY FIVE USELESS FACTS TO ENHANCE YOUR
LIFE
The citrus soda 7-UP was created in 1929;
"7" was selected because the original containers were 7
ounces. "UP" indicated the direction of the bubbles.
The liquid inside young coconuts can be
used as substitute for blood
American car horns beep in the tone of 'F'.
No piece of paper can be folded more than 7
times. (Try it!)
One in every four Americans has appeared on television.
You burn more calories sleeping than you do
watching television.
Oak trees do not produce acorns until they are fifty years of age or
older.
The first product to have a bar code was
Wrigley's gum.
The king of hearts is the only king without a mustache.
A Boeing 747s wingspan is longer than the
Wright brother's first flight.
American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating 1 olive from each
salad served in first-class.
Venus is the only planet that rotates
clockwise.
The first CD pressed in the US was Bruce Springsteen's "Born in the
USA."
Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at
waking you up in the morning.
The 57 on the Heinz ketchup bottle represents the number of varieties of
pickles the company once had.
The plastic things on the end of shoelaces
are called aglets.
Most dust particles in your house are made from dead skin.
The first owner of the Marlboro company
died of lung cancer.
Barbie's full name is Barbara Millicent Roberts.
Betsy Ross is the only real person to ever
have been the head on a Pez dispenser.
Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually than all of the Nike
factory workers in Malaysia combined.
Marilyn Monroe had six toes.
All US Presidents have worn glasses. Some just didn't like being seen
wearing them in public.
Walt Disney was afraid of mice.
The sound of E.T. walking was made by someone squishing her hands in
jelly.
Debra Winger was the voice of E.T.
Pearls melt in vinegar.
It takes 3,000 cows to supply the NFL with
enough leather for a year's supply of footballs.
Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are
already married.
The three most valuable brand names on
earth: Marlboro, Coca Cola, and Budweiser, in that order.
It is possible to lead a cow upstairs...but not downstairs.
The average life span of a major league
baseball is seven pitches.
A duck's quack doesn't echo and no one knows why.
The reason firehouses have circular
stairways is from the days when the >engines were pulled by horses.
The horses were stabled on the ground floor and
figured out how to walk up straight staircases.
Richard Milhouse Nixon was the first US president whose name contains
all the letters from the word "criminal." The second?
William Jefferson Clinton.
Enjoy your dinner at that quaint French Restaurant
Click on the picture to see it full size
The Lost Poem of Dr Seuss
(Whoever he is, or was!)
Click on the picture to see it full size
Apparently authorities in Japan have begun restricting the movement of animals in the country after beds in many parts of Tokyo were discovered with nibbled corners and missing stuffing!
It is believed to be Japan's first
recorded outbreak of futon mouse disease....!!
In response to the update on the Japanese outbreak of Futon Mouse
disease, further developments show the Japanese crisis shows no signs of
letting up. Origami Bank has folded, Sumo Bank has gone belly up
and Bonsai Bank plans to cutback some of its branches. Karaoke Bank is
up for sale and is going for a song. Meanwhile, shares in Kamikaze Bank
have nose-dived and 500 back-office staff at Karate Bank got the chop.
Analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank and
staff there fear they may get a raw deal.
Idiot of the Month
When a man attempted to siphon
gasoline from a motor home parked
on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find an ill man
curled up next to a motor home near spilled
sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal
gasoline and plugged his hose into the motor home's sewage tank by
mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that
it was the best laugh he'd ever had.
A Smile a day keeps the blues
away (Also people wonder what you've done!)
Click on the picture to see it full size
If you have to have a New Year's
drink, just have the one!!
Click on the picture to see it full size
There is a new danger with all
the floods we have been having in the south of England!!
Click on the picture below to find out what it is.
Click on the picture to see it full size
