Smile away the Miles Archive 2002
The first speaker at the the Women's lib International conference this
year, a lady from England stood and said, "During last year's
conference, we spoke about being more assertive with our husbands. Well,
after the conference, I went home and told my husband, Barrington, that
I would no longer cook for him and that he would have to do it himself.
After the first day, I saw nothing. The second day, I saw nothing, but
on the third day, I saw that he had cooked a wonderful roast lamb."
(The crowd cheered)
The second speaker from Russia, stood up and said, "After last
year's conference, I went home and told my husband, Ivan, that I would
no longer do his laundry and that he would have to do it himself. The
first day, I saw nothing. After the second day, I saw nothing, but on
the third day, I saw that he had done not only his own washing, but mine
as well.
(The crowd again cheered).
The third speaker, a Geordie lass, stood up and said,"Afta last year's
conference, I went herm and telt that lazy ba*tard of mine, Geordie,
that I was nae longa pickin up his beer cans, cookin his bait and washin
his kecks and that he was gonna haf to de them hisell.
(The crowd went wild with cheering and clapping
that lasted for five long minutes)
She continued....................................... "Afta the first
day, I nevah saw nowt. Afta the second day I nevah saw nowt, but afta
the thord day, I could see a little bit out of me left eye."
Lord,
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong,
One who's willy is thick and long.
One who thinks before he speaks,
When he promises to call, he won't wait weeks.
I pray that he is gainfully employed,
And when I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows just what to say, when I ask "How big's my behind?"
One who'll make love till my body's a twitchin,
In the hall, the loo, the garden and kitchen!
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And never attempt to shag my best friend.
And as I kneel and pray by my bed,
I look at the pratt you sent me instead.
Amen.
A Man's Prayer
Lord,
I pray for a nymphomaniac with huge boobs
who owns a Pub.
I never said a word about women drivers
Three
tortoises, Harry, Terry and Roy, decide to go on a picnic. So Harry
packs the picnic basket with beer and sandwiches. The trouble is the
picnic site is ten miles away so it takes them ten days to get there.
When they get there Harry unpacks the food and beer.
'Ok Roy give me the bottle opener' 'I didn't bring it' says Roy.
'I thought you packed it'. Harry
gets worried, and he turns to Terry, 'Did you bring the bottle
opener?’ Naturally Terry
didn't bring it. So they're stuck ten miles from home without a bottle
opener. Harry and Terry beg Roy to go back for it but he refuses as he
says they will eat all the sandwiches. After two hours, and after they
have sworn on their tortoise lives that they will not eat the
sandwiches, he finally agrees. So Roy sets off down the road at a steady pace. 20 days pass
and he still isn't back and Harry and Terry are starving, but a promise
is a promise. Another 5
days and he still isn't back, but a promise is a promise. Finally they
can't take it any longer so they take out a sandwich each, and just as
they are about to eat it, Roy pops up from behind a rock and shouts.
'I KNEW IT'......I'M NOT FLIPPING GOING.
A Few One Liners
I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit
a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you
can't have your
kayak and heat it.
So I said "Do you want a game of Darts?", he said
"OK then", I said "Nearest to bull starts".
He said "Bah", I said "Moo", he said "You're
closest".
I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go
out the night before and shoot the fox.
The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up, I said "Did you get my drift?".
So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to
make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it",
he said "Those are pickled onions".
So I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said "Euro star?". I said "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".
So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?". He said "How flexible are you?". I said "I can't make Tuesdays".
So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants, it was Wedgie Kray.
But I'm in great mood tonight because the other day I entered a competition and I won a years supply of Marmite......... one jar.
So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?". I thought "That's all I need, a Je-hoover's witness".
You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.
So I rang up British Telecom, I said "I want to report a nuisance caller", he said "Not you again".
So I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.
He said "You remind me of a pepper-pot", I said "I'll take that as a condiment".
Four fonts walk into a bar The barman says "Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here"
A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything"
A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar The barman says, "Is this some kind of joke?"
A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here"
Dyslexic man walks into a bra.
A seal walks into a club...
A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint please, and one for the road."
Q: How many police officers does it take to a throw criminal down the stairs? A: None, he slipped.
The Geography Of Men And Women
GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN
Between 18 and 20 a woman is like Africa, half
discovered, half wild, naturally beautiful with fertile deltas.
Between 21 and 30 a woman is like America, well
developed and open to trade especially for someone with cash.
Between 31 and 35 she is like India, very hot, relaxed
and convinced of her own beauty.
Between 36 and 40 a woman is like France. Gently aging
but still a warm and desirable place to visit.
Between 41 and 50 she is like Yugoslavia, lost the war
- haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.
Between 51 and 60, she is like Russia, very wide and
borders are unpatrolled. The frigid climate keeps people away.
Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Mongolia, with a
glorious and all conquering past but alas, no future.
After 70, they become Afghanistan. Most everyone knows
where it is, but no one wants to go there.
THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN
Between
15 and 70 a man is like Iraq - ruled by a dick.
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A woman brought a very limp parrot into a veterinary surgery. As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, Polly has passed away". The distressed owner
wailed, "Are you sure? I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something?" The vet rolled his eyes, shrugged, turned and left the room returning a few moments later with beautiful black Labrador. As the bird's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the dead parrot from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet fussed the dog and took it out but returned a few moments later with a cat! The cat jumped up and also sniffed delicately at the ex- bird. The cat sat back, shook its head, meowed and ran out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry; but like I said, Your parrot is most definitely 100% certifiably ... dead." He then turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill which he handed to the woman. The parrot's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "£150!" she cried. "£150 just to tell me my bird is dead?!" The vet shrugged. "If you'd taken my word for it the bill would only have been £20, but... what with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan..."
If you tow a caravan I hope your trailer hitch is as strong as his!!
(Click on the picture to see it full size)
(Click on the picture to see it full size)
Help Me Make it Through the Day
(Click on the picture to see it full size)
An Irishman named O'Malley went to his doctor after a long illness. The
doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed and looked O'Malley in the eye,
and said, "I've some bad news for you. You have cancer, and it can't be
cured. I'd give you two weeks to a month to live."
O'Malley was shocked and saddened by the news but was of solid character. He
managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor's office into the
waiting room.
There, he saw his son who had been waiting. O'Malley said, "Well, son. We
Irish celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go
so well. In this case, things aren't so well. I have cancer, and I've been
given a short time to live. Let's head for the pub and have a few pints."
After 3 or 4 pints, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were
some laughs and more beers. They were eventually approached by some of
O'Malley's old friends who asked what the two were celebrating. O'Malley
told them that the Irish celebrate the good and the bad. He went on to tell
them that they were drinking to his impending end. He told his friends,
"I've only got a few weeks to live as I have been diagnosed with AIDS." The
friends gave O'Malley their condolences, and they had a couple more beers.
After his friends left, O'Malley's son leaned over and whispered his
confusion. "Dad, I thought you said that you were dying from cancer! You
just told your friends that you were dying from AIDS!"
O'Malley said, "I am dying of cancer, son. I just don't want any of them
sleeping with your mother after I'm gone."
