A Trio of Irish Titters

During World War II, the captured Allied agents of Stalag 15 were attempting yet another daring prison break. Prisoners Major O'Rourke and Lieutenant Flanagan had planned for months to acquire two steel files and now finally possessed them! On this particular night, they had chosen to try to cut their way through the bars of the East gate.
Stealthily they slithered to the gate with perfect timing so the guard was not near. They were hard at work when the siren sounded, and the floodlights caught them in the act. As the German officer led them away, O'Rourke said, "We were so careful. How did you ever catch us?"
The German replied, "Sorry for you, but I can always tell when Irish spies are filing."
 

Two Irishmen were digging a ditch directly across from a brothel.
Suddenly, they saw a rabbi walk up to the front door, glance around and duck inside. "Ah, will you look at that?" One ditch digger said. "What's our world comin' to when men of th' cloth are visitin' such places?"
A short time later, a Protestant minister walked up to the door and quietly slipped inside. "Do you believe that?" The workman exclaimed. "Why, 'tis no wonder th' young people today are so confused, what with the example clergymen set for them."
After an hour went by, the men watched as a Catholic priest quickly entered the whore house. "Ah, what a pity," the digger said, leaning on his shovel.
"One of th' poor lasses must be ill."

A respected Irish judge left Clancy's bar after a hard night of drinking.
Halfway home, he was overcome by nausea and was sick all over his fine new suit.
He explained to his wife that a drunk had staggered into him in the street and soiled his clothing. "Aye, Moira, not to fear." he said. "I had him arrested, and on Monday I shall give him 30 days for this atrocious offence."
His wife dutifully cleaned his suit without comment. Before leaving for court on Monday, he reminded Moira that he was going to sentence the suit soiler to 30 days, upon which Moira replied,
"Better give him 60 days then, because he pooped in your pants, too..."
 

I Say, I Say, I Say!

 If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.

When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!

If you choke a Smurf (remember them), what colour does it turn?

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.

I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?

Join the Army, meet interesting people, then kill them.

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humour.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

They didn't, did they?
If you were a company called Powergen and you had a subsidiary that operated in Italy, would you call that company's  website http://www.powergenitalia.com  Probably not, but they did!  Check it out if you don't believe it.

And now for a bit of Philosophy 

1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor..... 

3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization. 

4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes? 

5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live. 

6. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose. 

7. What if there were no hypothetical questions? 

8. If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap? 

9. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation? 

10. Is there another word for synonym? 

11. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?" 

12. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant? 

13. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages? 

14. Would a fly without wings be called a walk? 

15. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them? 

16. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked? 

17. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers? 

18. If the police arrest a mime artist, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent? 

19. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines? 

21. How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs? 

22. What was the best thing before sliced bread? 

23. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people. 

24. Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra? 

25. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery? 

26. How is it possible to have a civil war? 

27. If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too? 

28. If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry? 

29. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done? 

30. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have "S" in it? 

31. Why are haemorrhoids called "haemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids"? 

32. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them? 

33. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

34. What happened to number 20?

The moral of this picture is:  If You are not too keen on flying don't ask for a window seat!!

I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

.. and their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.

My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand.

I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant. We are getting married in September and we would like it in the garden before we move into the house.

I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

....50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and the rest are plain filthy. 

I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.

The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.

Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

Would you please send a man to repair my spout. I am an old age pensioner and need it badly.

I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and its now getting too much for me.

The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third so please send someone round to do something about it. 

I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man I have on top of me every night.

Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.

I have had the clerk of the works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.

This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broken and we can't get BBC2.

My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it. ..

..... and he's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just cant take it anymore.

..... that is his excuse for dogs mess that I find hard to swallow.

You couldn't make them up!

A man took his elderly father to a nursing home to check it out. He sat his father down on a sofa in the main aisle way and went to talk with the administrators.

The old man started to tilt slowly toward the left. A Doctor came by and said, "Let me help you." The Doc piled several pillows on the left side of the old man so he would stay upright.

The older man started to tilt slowly to the right. An orderly noticed and put several more pillows on his right side to keep him upright.

The old man started to lean forward when a nurse came by and piled several pillows in front of him. About this time, the son returned. "Well, Dad, isn't this a nice place."

The old man replied, "I guess it's ok, but they won't let me fart."

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Two zebras are talking and one asks the other, "Am I black with white stripes or white with black stripes?"

The other replies, "Well I don't know. You should pray to God about that and ask him."

So that night he did and God replied, "You are what you are."

The next day he said to the other zebra, "I still don't understand what I am because God just said, You are what you are."

The second zebra responds, "You must be white with black stripes or else God would have said, Yo is what yo is."

With apologies to all my relatives north of the border

Hard to believe litigation. But true

It's time once again to consider the candidates for the annual Stella Awards.
The Stella's are named after 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled coffee on herself and successfully sued McDonalds. That case inspired the Stella awards for the most frivolous successful lawsuits in the United States.

The following are this year's candidates:

 1. Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas, was awarded $780,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store.  The owners of the store were understandably surprised at the verdict, considering the misbehaving little toddler was Ms. Robertson's son.

2. A 19-year-old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won $74,000 and medical expenses when his neighbour ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Mr. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbour's hub caps.

3. Terrence Dickson of Bristol, Pennsylvania, was leaving a house he had just finished robbing by way of the garage. He was not able to get the garage door to go up since the automatic door opener was malfunctioning.  He couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the house and garage locked when he pulled it shut. The family was on vacation, and Mr. Dickson found himself locked in the garage for eight days. He subsisted on a case of Pepsi he found, and a large bag of dry dog food.  He sued the homeowner's insurance claiming the situation caused him undue mental anguish. The jury agreed to the tune of $500,000.

4. Jerry Williams of Little Rock, Arkansas, was awarded $14,500 and medical expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next door neighbour's beagle. The beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard.  The award was less than sought because the jury felt the dog might have been just a little provoked at the time by Mr. Williams who was shooting it repeatedly with a pellet gun.

5. A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania, $113,500 after she slipped on a soft drink and broke her coccyx (tailbone). The beverage was on the floor because Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument. 

6. Kara Walton of Claymont, Delaware, successfully sued the owner of a night club in a neighbouring city when she fell from the bathroom window to the floor and knocked out her two front teeth. This occurred while Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the window in the ladies room to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge. She was awarded $12,000 and dental expenses. 

7. This year's favourite could easily be Mr. Mere Grazinski of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma. Mr. Grazinski purchased a brand new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On his first trip home, having driven onto the freeway, he set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the driver’s seat to go into the back and make himself a cup of coffee. Not surprisingly, the R.V. left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Mr. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not advising him in the owner's manual that he couldn't actually do this.  The jury awarded him $1,750,000 plus a new motor home. The company actually changed their manuals on the basis of this suit, just in case there were any other complete morons buying their recreation vehicles..

You know you’re living in the 2000's when...

1.        You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

2.        You haven’t played solitaire with real cards in years.

3.        You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.

4.        You e-mail your mate who works at the desk next to you.

5.        Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they do not have e-mail addresses.

6.        When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a business manner.

7.        When you make phone calls from home, you accidentally insert a “9” to get an outside line.

8.        You’ve sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies.

10.      Your CV is on a disk in your pocket.

11.      You learn about your redundancy on the 11o’clock news.

12.      Your biggest loss from a system crash was when you lost all of your best jokes.

13.      Your boss doesn’t have the ability to do your job.

14.      Contractors outnumber permanent staff and are more likely to get long-service awards.

15.      Board members salaries are higher than all the Third World countries annual budgets combined.

16.       Interviewees, despite not having the relevant knowledge or experience, terminate the interview when told of the starting salary.

17.      Free food left over from meetings is your staple diet.

18.      Your boss gets a brand-new state-of-the-art laptop with all the latest features, but you have time to go for lunch while yours boots up.

19.      Being sick is defined as you can’t walk or you’re in hospital.

20.      There’s no money in the budget for the five permanent staff your department desperately needs, but they can afford four full-time management consultants advising your boss’s boss on strategy.

21.      Your relatives and family describe your job as “works with computers”.

AND THE CLINCHERS ARE...

22.      You read this entire list, and kept nodding and smiling.

23.      As you read this list, you think about forwarding it to your “friends”

24.      AND YOU ARE TOO BUSY TO NOTICE THAT THERE WAS NO No. 9

The moral of this picture is:  If you are flying from Liverpool Airport, never leave your plane unattended