Smile Archive 2004
URGENT - DUDLEY EARTHQUAKE APPEAL
PLEASE GIVE GENEROUSLY.
At 00:54 on Monday 23 September an earthquake measuring 4.8 on the Richter scale hit Dudley, UK, causing untold disruption and distress -
* Many were woken well before their giro arrived
* Several priceless collections of mementos from the Balearics and Spanish Costas were damaged
* Three areas of historic and scientifically significant litter were disturbed.
* Thousands are confused and bewildered, trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting has happened in Dudley
One resident, Donna-Marie Dutton, a 17 year old mother-of-three said "It was such a shock, little Chantal-Leanne came running into my bedroom crying.
My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Megan-Storm slept through it. I was still shaking when I was watching GMTV the next morning."
Apparently though, looting did carry on as normal.
The British Red Cross have so far managed to ship 4000 crates of Sunny Delight to the area to help the stricken masses.
Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings including benefit books and jewellery from Elizabeth Duke at Argos.
HOW YOU CAN HELP
* £2 buys chips, scraps and diet Red Bull for a family of four
* £10 can take a family to Stourport for the day, where children can play on an unspoiled canal bank among the national collection of stinging nettles
* 22p buys a biro for filling in a spurious compensation claim
PLEASE ACT NOW
Simply email us by return with your credit card details and we'll do the rest!
If you prefer to donate cash, there are collection points available at your local branches of Argos, Iceland and Clinton Cards.
THE WOMAN'S PRAYER
Lord,
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong,
One who's willy is thick and long.
One who thinks before he speaks,
When he promises to call, he won't wait weeks.
I pray that he is gainfully employed,
And when I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows just what to say, when I ask "How big's my behind?"
One who'll make love till my body's a twitchin,
In the hall, the loo, the garden and kitchen!
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And never attempt to shag my best friend.
And as I kneel and pray by my bed,
I look at the pratt you sent me instead.
Amen.
THE MAN'S PRAYER
Lord,
I pray for a nymphomaniac with huge boobs
who owns a Pub.
Amen.
NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE
To the citizens of the United States of America
In the light of the lack of a credible
choice for the post of the President of the USA and thus the inability
to govern yourselves properly, we hereby give notice of the revocation
of your independence, effective today.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties
over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which
she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony
Blair, MP for the 98.85% of you who have until now been unaware that
there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for
America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate
will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to
determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following
rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.
Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be
amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. Generally, you
should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary".
Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such
as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of
communication. Look up "interspersed".
2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on
your behalf.
3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents.
It really isn't that hard.
4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the
good guys.
5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The
Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you
to get confused and give up half way through.
6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind
of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good
game, and if you look carefully you will notice it is played with the
hands. The 1.15% of you who are aware that there is a world
outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American"
football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should
instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you
played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave
enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to
American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every
twenty seconds or wearing full Kevlar body armour). We are hoping
to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2005.
Furthermore, baseball is in fact a game we call rounders for the under
10's and girls, thus ideally suited to be your national sport. As for a
world series, refer to item 1 on this agenda for definition of the word
world.
7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if
they give you any "merde". The 98.85% of you who were not aware that
there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky.
The Russians have never been the bad guys, you try living this close to
France.
8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th will be a new
national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive
Day".
9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your
own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we
mean.
10. Please tell us who killed JFK & what really happened to Marilyn
Monroe. It's been driving us crazy.
Thanks
PS Only joking, we Brits love you really
Famous interpretations of "Why did the Chicken cross the road?"
Bill Clinton:
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken? Could you define chicken, please...
Louis Farrakhan:
The road, you will see, represents the black man.
The chicken crossed the "black man" in order to trample him down!
Colonel Sanders:
I missed one?
L.A Police Department:
Give us five minutes with the chicken, and we'll find out.
Jerry Falwell:
Because the chicken was gay! isn't it obvious? Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the other side. that's what "they" call it: the "other side". Yes, my friends the chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too!
Ronald Regan:
What Chicken?
Saddam Hussein:
This was an unprovoked act of rebellion, and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it!
Robert de Niro
: Are you telling me the chicken crossed that road? Is that what you're telling me?
Ernest Hemingway:
To die. In the rain.
Martin Luther King, Jr.:
I envision a world where all chickens, be they black or white or brown or red or speckled, will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.
Grandpa:
In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.
Aristotle:
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
Karl Marx:
It was a historical inevitability.
Captain James T. Kirk:
To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
Fox Mulder:
You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it's true?
Freud:
The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity. How do you feel about your mother?
Bill Gates:
We have just released eChicken 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs (only in the brown_ms.egg format), file your important documents, and balance your chequebook and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.
The CIA:
Who told you about the chicken? Did you see the chicken? There was no chicken. Please step into the car, sir.
Einstein:
Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken.
If you get lost you can always ask the
nearest cow!
Moo dy Cow!
Something to beef about!
A foursome of senior golfers hit
the course with waning enthusiasm for the sport. "These hills are
getting steeper as the years go by," one complained.
"These fairways seem to be getting longer too," said one of the others.
"The sand traps seem to be bigger than I remember them too," said the
third senior.
After hearing enough from his Senior buddies, the oldest, and the wisest
of the four of them at 87 years old, piped up and said, "Oh my friends,
just be thankful we're still on this side of the grass!"
As a older gentleman was driving down the
motorway when his mobile phone rang. Answering it, he heard his wife's
voice urgently warning him, "Harry, I just heard on the news that
there's a car going the wrong way on M1. Please be careful!"
"Hell," said Harry, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"
A 75-year-old man went to the doctor's
office to get a sperm count.
The Doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me
back a sample tomorrow."
The next day, the 75-year-old man reappears at the doctor's office and
gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as the previous day.
The doctor asks what happened, and the man explains, "Well, Doc, it's
like this. First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried
with my left hand, but nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried
with her right hand, but nothing. Then with her left, but nothing. She
even tried with her mouth, first with her teeth in, then with he teeth
out, and still nothing. Hell, we even called up the lady next door, and
she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing."
The doctor was shocked. "You asked your neighbour?"
The old man replied, "Yep, but no matter what we tried, we couldn't get
that damn jar opened!"
Two elderly gentlemen are playing cards
on Saturday evening as they have done for the past 35 years. Max, the
older, had been having problems remembering what cards were what, and
usually needed help from his wife.
At the end of the card game Ed said to Max, "You did very good tonight.
You didn't need any help at all. Why is that?"
Max replied, "Why ever since my wife sent me to that memory school, I
haven't had any problems at all."
"Memory school? What memory school?"
Max thought for a moment, "Oh, what's that flower that's red with
thorns? A really pretty flower...?"
"A rose?"
"Yeah...that's it!" Max turned to his wife and mumbled, "Hey, Rose!
What's the name of that memory school you sent me to?"
An elderly couple, still very loving
after all these years, is shocked when the woman's doctor says she has a
heart condition that could kill her at any time. She is to avoid stress,
eat right, and never, ever have sex again -- the strain would be too
much.
The couple reluctantly try to live by these rules. Both get really horny
over time, however, and the husband decides he'd better sleep downstairs
on the couch to guard against temptation.
This works for a few weeks, until late one night when they meet each
other on the stairs -- she's coming downstairs, he's heading up.
"Honey, I have a confession to make," the woman says, her voice
quavering. "I was about to commit suicide."
"I'm glad to hear it, sweetie," the man says, "because I was just coming
upstairs to kill you!"
Bell Ringer
A priest puts an advert in the newspaper for a new bell-ringer and the
only applicant to reply is some fellow with no arms.
"You realize what this job requires," asks the priest.
"Sure do," replies the no-armed man, and I can assure that I am the best
man for the job."
The priest is perplexed. "How do you plan to ring the bell with no
arms?"
The no-armed man, of course, cannot pull the bell rope and instead he
rushes to the top of the bell tower and proceeds to dive head-first into
the side of the bell. The bell peals beautifully.
The alarmed priest rushes to him. "My God, man, if you can do that every
hour your hired!"
And so every day, on every hour, the no-armed man dives at the bell and
smashes into it head-first. Until one day he misses and flies out of the
bell tower, falling 300 feet to his death. On the ground a crowd gathers
and one of the onlookers rushes to the side of the fallen man.
"Dear Lord!" he screams to the gathered throng, "does anyone know this
poor fellows name?!"
From the crowd, the priest says, "Well, I don't know his name, but his
face rings a bell!"
The next day the man's brother, who also has no arms, comes to
apply for the same job, but alas he suffers the same fate as his
brother. Once again an onlooker asks if anyone knows this second
fellow's name.
The priest says, "I don't know, but he's a dead ringer for his brother".
Lawyers
Did you hear that the Post Office just
recalled their latest stamps? They
had pictures of lawyers on them ... and people couldn't figure out which
side to spit on.
How does an lawyer sleep?
First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.
How many lawyer jokes are there?
Only three. The rest are true stories.
How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
How many can you afford?
How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three. One to climb the ladder. One to shake it.
And one to sue the ladder company.
What do you throw to a drowning lawyer?
His partners.
What happens when you cross a pig with a lawyer?
Nothing. There are some things even a pig won't do.
What's the difference between God and a lawyer?
God doesn't think he's a lawyer.
Why does California have the most lawyers in the US and New Jersey
have
the most toxic waste sites? New Jersey got first choice.
Did you hear about the terrorists who took a whole courtroom full of
lawyers
hostage?
They threatened to release one every hour until their demands were met.
Viagra
A man goes to visit his 90 year-old grandfather in hospital.
"How are you gramps? he asks.
"Feeling fine," says the old man.
"What's the food like?"
"Terrific, wonderful menus."
"And the nursing?"
"Just couldn't be better. These young nurses really take care of you."
"What about sleeping? Do you sleep OK?"
"No problem at all, nine hours solid every night. At 10 o'clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet ... and that's it. I go out like a light."
The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so he rushes off to question the nurse in charge.
"What are you people doing," he says,
"I'm told you're giving an 90 year-old man Viagra on a daily basis. Surely that can't be true?"
"Oh, yes," replies the nurse. "Every night at 10 o'clock we give him a cup of chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well.
The chocolate makes him sleep, and the Viagra stops him from rolling out of bed."
Its the Wife
A man walked into a doctor's office looking very depressed,
"Doctor, you've got to help me. I can't go on like this."
"What's the problem?" the doctor inquired.
"Well, I'm 35 years old and I still have no luck with the ladies. No matter how hard I try, I just seem to scare them away."
"That's not a serious problem". The doctor replied.
"You just need to work on your self-esteem." he continued.
"Each morning, I want you to get up and run to the bathroom, look in the mirror, and tell yourself that you are a good person, a fun person, and an attractive person. But say it with real conviction. Within a week you'll have women all around you."
The man seemed content with this advice and walked out of the office looking excited.
Three weeks later he returned with the same depressed expression on his face.
"Did my advice not work?" asked the doctor.
"It worked alright. For the past several weeks I've enjoyed some of the best moments in my life with the most fabulous looking women."
"So, what's your problem?" queried the doctor.
"I don't have a problem," the man replied.
"My wife does."
Its a Miracle
A woman starts dating a doctor, but before too long, she becomes pregnant and they don't know what to do.
About nine months later, just about the time she is going to give birth, a priest goes into the hospital where the doctor works, for a prostate gland infection. The doctor says to the woman, "I know what we'll do. After I've operated on the priest, I'll give the baby to him and tell him it was a miracle."
"Do you think it will work?" she asks the doctor.
"It's worth a try," he says.
So, the doctor delivers the baby and then operates on the priest. After the operation he goes in to the priest and says, "Father, you're not going to believe this."
"What?" says the priest. "What happened?"
"You gave birth to a child."
"But that's impossible!"
"I just did the operation," insists the doctor. "It's a miracle! Here's your baby."
About fifteen years go by, and the priest realizes he must tell his son the truth. One day he sits the boy down and says, "Son, I have something to tell you. I'm not your father."
The son says, "What do you mean, you're not my father?"
The priest replies, "I'm your mother. The archbishop is your father."
Air force one and the farmer
Air Force One crashed in the middle of rural America. Panic stricken,
the Secret Service mobilized and descended on the farm in force. When
they got there, the wreckage was clear. The aircraft was totally
destroyed, with only a burned hulk left smouldering in a tree line that
bordered a farm. Secret Service descended upon the smoking hulk but
could find no remains of the crew or the President's staff. To their
amazement, a lone farmer was ploughing a field not too far away as if
nothing at all happened. They hurried over to surround the man's actor.
"Sir," the senior Secret Service agent asked, panting and out of breath.
"Did you see this terrible accident happen?" "Yep. Sure did." The man
muttered unconcernedly. "Do you realize that is the President of the
United States' airplane?" "Yep." "Were there any survivors?" the agent
gasped. "Nope. They's all kilt straight out." The farmer sighed cutting
of his tractor motor. "I done buried them all myself. Took most of the
morning." "The President of the United States is DEAD?" The agent gulped
in disbelief. "Yep, he kept a-saying he wasn't ... but you know what a
liar he is!"
The Lexus and the President
A lady bought a new Lexus. Cost a fortune. Two days later, she brought
it back complaining that the radio wasn't working. "Madam", said the
sales manager, "the audio system in this car is completely automated.
All you need to do is tell it what you want to listen to and you will
hear exactly that!" She drives out , somewhat amazed and a little
confused. She looked at the radio and said, "Nelson". The radio
responded, "Ricky or Willie?" Soon she was speeding down the highway to
the sounds of "On the road again". The lady was astounded. If she wanted
Beethoven, that's what she got. If she wanted Nat King Cole, she got it.
Stopped at an intersection, her light turned green and she pulled out.
Off to her right, out of the corner of her eye, she saw a small sports
utility vehicle speeding toward her. She swerved and narrowly missed a
collision. "Asshole.....", she muttered. And from the radio..... "Ladies
and gentlemen, the President of the United States...
The atheist
An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing when suddenly his boat was
attacked by the Loch Ness monster. In one easy flip, the beast tossed
him and his boat at least a hundred feet into the air. The monster then
opened its mouth while waiting below to swallow man and boat. As the
man sailed head over heels and started to fall towards the open jaws of
the ferocious beast he cried out, "Oh, my God! Help me!" Suddenly, the
scene froze in place. As the atheist hung in midair, a booming voice
came out of the clouds and said, "I thought you didn't believe in Me!"
"God, come on, give me a break!" the man pleaded, "Just seconds ago I
didn't believe in the Loch Ness monster either!" "Well," said God, "now
that you are a believer you must understand that I won't work miracles
to snatch you from certain death in the jaws of the monster, but I can
change hearts. What would you have me do?" The atheist thinks for a
minute and then says, "God, please have the Loch Ness Monster believe in
You also." God replies, "So be it." The scene starts in motion again
with the atheist falling towards the ravenous jaws of the ferocious
beast. Then the Loch Ness Monster folds his claws together and says,
"Lord, bless this food You have so graciously provided....."
Eve and Adam
One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God... "Lord, I have a
problem!" "What's the problem, Eve?" "Lord, I know you've created me
and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful
animals, and that hilarious comedic snake, but I'm just not happy."
"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above. "Lord, I am lonely. And
I'm sick to death of apples." "Well, Eve, in that case, I have a
solution. I shall create a man for you." "What's a 'man,' Lord?" "This
man will be a flawed creature, with many bad traits. He'll lie, cheat,
and be vain; all in all, he'll give you a hard time. But, he'll be
bigger, faster, and will like to hunt and kill things. He will look
silly aroused, but since you've being complaining, I'll create him in
such a way that he will satisfy your... ah, physical needs. He'll be
witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a
ball about. He won't be too smart, so he'll also need your advice to
think properly." "Sounds great," says Eve, with an ironically raised
eyebrow. "What's the catch, Lord?" "Yeah, well.... you can have him on
one condition." "What's that, Lord?" "As I said, he'll be proud,
arrogant, and self-admiring...So you'll have to let him believe that I
made him first...So, just remember... it's our secret...
Woman-to-woman!"
Divorce is so unfair
Don't try this in your Kon-Tiki
No, this is not two vehicles. It is just one van with a great paint job.
I wonder if it would work with a motorhome?
SOMETHING FOR EVERYONE HERE, I THINK
The Road to Enlightenment - The Teachings of Zen
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow. In fact, just go away and leave me alone.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tyre.
3. The darkest hour is just before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbour's milk, that's the time to do it.
4. Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.
5. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
6. No one is listening until you fart.
7. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.
8. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
9. If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.
10. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you
have their shoes.
11. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
13. If you lend someone £20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
14. Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windshield.
15. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.
16. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
17. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
18. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
19. Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
20. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
21. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
22. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
Letter from Irish mother to her son
Dear Son
I'm writing this letter slow because
I know you can't read fast.
We don't live where we did when you left home.
Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20
miles from your home, so we moved.
I won't be able to send you the address because the last Irish family
that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so that they
wouldn't have to change their address.
This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine.
I'm not sure it works so well though: last week I put a load in and
pulled the chain and haven't seen them since.
The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first
time for three days and the second time for four days.
About that coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Stanley said it
would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut
them off and put them in the pockets.
John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried
because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.
Your sister had a baby this morning; but I haven't found out what it is
yet so I don't know if your an aunt or an uncle.
The baby looks just like your brother....
Uncle Ted fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him
out, but he fought them off playfully and drowned.
We had him cremated and he burned for three days.
Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck.
Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety.
Your other two friends were in back.
They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.
There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.
Love, Mum
P.S. I was going to send you some
money but the envelope was already sealed.
Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful, new-aged, self assured princess, happened upon a frog as she sat contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.
The frog hopped into the Princess' lap and said: "Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome Prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into that dapper, young Prince that I am and then, my sweet, we can marry and setup housekeeping in yon castle with my Mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children and forever feel grateful and happy doing so.
That night, on a repast of lightly sautéed frog legs, seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled to herself and thought: I don't flippin' think so.