TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING:

French
  1. When speaking fast you can make yourself sound gay
  2. You are yet to experience the joy of winning the world cup for the first time
  3. You get to eat disgusting food like snails and frog's legs and pretend it's 'Gourmet'
  4. If there's a war you can surrender really early
  5. You don't have to read the subtitles on those late night films on Channel 4.
  6. You can test your own nuclear weapons in other people's countries
  7. You can be ugly and still become a famous film star
  8. You can allow Germans to march up and down your most famous street humiliating your sense of national pride
  9. You don't have to bother with toilets, just do it in the street
 10. People think you're a great lover even though you're not


American
  1. You can have a woman president without electing her
  2. You can spell colour wrong and get away with it
  3. You can call Budweiser beer
  4. You can be a crook and still hold elected office
  5. If you've got enough money you can get elected to do anything
  6. If you can breathe you can get a gun
  7. You can invent a new public holiday every year
  8. You can play golf in the most hideous clothes ever made and nobody will care
  9. You get to call everyone you've never met "buddy"
 10. You can think you're the greatest nation on earth
 (11). When you're not
 (12). Even close


English
  1. Two World Wars and One World Cup doo-dah doo-dah
  2. Warm beer
  3. You get to confuse everyone with the rules of cricket
  4. You get to accept defeat graciously in major sporting events
  5. You can wear Union Jack underpants
  6. Water shortages guaranteed every single summer
  7. You can live in the past and imagine you are still a world power
  8. You can bathe once a week-whether you need to or not
  9. The same regarding changing underwear
 10. It's better than being Welsh
 (11). Or Scottish


Italian
  1. You have an in-depth knowledge of bizarre pasta shapes
  2. You are not embarrassed to wear real fur
  3. You have no need to worry about tax returns
  4. Your glorious military history... (well, till about 400 A.D. that is )
  5. You can wear sunglasses insdoors and in your hair
  6. Political stability
  7. Flexible working hours
  8. You live near the Pope
  9. You can can spend hours combing your girlfriend's armpit hair
 10. Your country run by Sicilian murderers


Spanish
  1. You have a glorious history of killing South American tribes
  2. The rest of Europe thinks Africa begins at the Pyrenees
  3. You get your beaches invaded by Germans, Danes, Brits etc
  4. The rest of your country is already invaded by Moroccans
  5. Everybody else makes crap paella and claims it's the real thing
  6. Honesty
  7. Your only sure way of getting a woman is to dress up in stupid, tight clothes and risk your life in front of bulls
  8. You get to eat bulls' testicles
  9. Gibraltar
 10. You supported Argentina in Falklands War


German
  1.Mmmm. (OK I'm thinking)
  2.Mmmm. (Still thinking)
  3.Mmmm. (Still thinking)
  4.Mmmm.(Still thinking)
  5.Mmmm. (Still thinking)
  6.Mmmm. (Still thinking)
  7.Mmmm. (Still thinking)
  8.Mmmm. (Still thinking)
  9.Mmmm. (Still thinking)
 10. You have an in-built sense of pacifism


Indian
  1. Chicken Madras
  2. Lamb Passanda
  3. Onion Bhaji
  4. Bombay Potato
  5. Chicken Tikka Masala
  6. Rogan Josh
  7. Poppadoms
  8. Chicken Dopiaza
  9. Meat Boona
 10. Kingfisher lager

Welsh
  1. You're joking, aren't you!!


Irish
  1. Guinness
  2. You can have 18 children because you can't use contraceptives
  3. You can get into a fight just by marching down someone's road
  4. Pubs never close
  5. You can use Papal edicts on contraception passed in the second Vatican Council of 1968 to persuade your girlfriend that you can't have sex with a condom on
  6. No one can ever remember the night before
  7. You can kill people you don't agree with
  8. Stew
  9. More Guinness
 10. Eating stew and drinking Guinness in an Irish pub at 3 in the morning after a bout of sectarian violence.


Canadian
  1. It's better than being an American, just
  2. You are the only country to successfully invade America and burn it's capital to the ground
  3. You can play hockey 12 months a year, outdoors
  4. You are the only country to successfully invade America and burn it's capital to the ground
  5. You have the only country where you can travel 1000 miles over fresh water in a canoe?
  6. A political leader can admit to smoking pot and his/her popularity ratings will rise
  7. You are the only country to successfully invade America and burn it's capital to the ground
  8. You can kill Grizzly bears with huge shotguns and cover your house in their skins
  9. The "Own-an-Eskimo" scheme
 10. You are the only country to successfully invade America and burn it's capital to the ground


Australian
  1. You know your great-grand-dad was a murdering bastard that no civilized nation on earth wanted
  2. Fosters Lager
  3. You can dispossess Aborigines who have lived in your country for 40,000 years because you think it belongs to you
  4. You can thrash England every time you play them at cricket, even though you don't understand the rules either
  5. You have Tact and sensitivity
  6. You have Bondai Beach
  7. You have other beaches
  8. You have a liberated attitude to homosexuals
  9. You can drink cold lager on the beach
 10. You can have a swim and then drink some more cold lager on the beach

Words of Wisdom...........
      
  If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you have tried.
  A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
  Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
  For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
  He who hesitates is probably right.
  Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
  No one is listening until you make a mistake.
  Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
  The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
  The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
  The severity of the itch is proportional to the ability to reach it.
  To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
  To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
  Two wrongs are only the beginning.
  You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
  The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
  Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
  The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
  A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
  If you just choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
  Change is inevitable....except from vending machines.
  Don't sweat petty things....or pet sweaty things.
  A fool and his money are soon partying.
  Money can't buy love. But it CAN rent a very close imitation.
  Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
  Always try to be modest. And be damn proud of it!
  If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
  How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hands....
  Attempt to get a new car for your spouse--it'll be a great trade!
  Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.
  I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
  Everybody repeat after me....."We are all individuals."
  Death to all fanatics!
Chastity is curable, if detected early.
  Don't be sexist; broads hate that!
  Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
  Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned.
  Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
  Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
  Eagles may soar, but weasels aren't sucked into jet engines.
  Borrow money from pessimists--they don't expect it back.
  Beware of geeks bearing gifts.     
  Half the people you know are below average.
  99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
  42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
  A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
    
  And finally ...
      
  If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

 

       NO RETURNS PLEASE
          ---------------------------
A man was driving home late one afternoon, and he was driving well above the speed limit. 
He notices a police car with its blue lights flashing in his rear view mirror. 
He thinks to himself
"I can outrun this guy," so he floors it and the race is on.

The cars are racing down the motorway - 70, 80, 90, 100 miles an hour
Finally, as his speedometer passes 120, the driver figures
"what the heck,"
and gives up.
He pulls over and stops

The police officer gets out of his car and approaches the driver. 
He leans down and says
"listen mister, I've had a really lousy day, and I just want to go home.
Give me a good excuse and I'll let you go."

The man thought for a moment and said...
"Three weeks ago, my wife ran off with a police officer. 
When I saw your police car in my rear view mirror, I thought you were that officer and you were trying to give her back to me!"

The officer let him go.

A man walks to work everyday using the same route.
Walking the length of a very dense hedgerow one day, he hears;
"...mark, mark, mark, mark, mark...".
He stops, waits, listens and then continues walking.
"...mark, mark, mark, mark, mark, mark, mark..."
follows him the entire length of the hedge.
Puzzled he continues his walk to work.
Back again later that day along the hedge he hears;
"...mark, mark, mark, mark, mark, mark..".
Even more puzzled - perplexed even - he goes home.
Next day, same thing;
 ..."mark, mark, mark, mark, mark.."
and home again;
"...mark, mark, mark, mark, mark, mark...".
This is repeated for an entire week; "
...MARKMARKMARKMARKMARKMARKMARKMARK..."
Finally he's had enough - he has to KNOW!
He sneaks around the side of the hedge, climbs up a lamppost, leaps to the other side.....
and gets savaged by a Doberman with a hair lip.

 

And Finally


The New British Police Fund Raising Scheme
 

A long serving and very popular kindergarten teacher was leaving her post and on the last day she was receiving gifts from her pupils.
The florist's son handed her a gift.
She shook it, then held it over her head, and said, "I bet I know what this is,  I bet it is some flowers."
"That's right"  the boy said, "but how did you know?"
"Oh, just a lucky guess," she said.
The next pupil was the sweet shop owner's daughter.
The teacher held her gift, shook it, then held it over her head, and said, "I bet I know what this is,  I bet it is a box of chocolates."
"That's right, but how did you know?" asked the girl.
"Oh, just a lucky guess again," said the teacher.
The next gift was from the son of the off licence owner. 
The teacher held it overhead, but it was leaking.  She caught some of the liquid in her hand and tasted it.
"Is it wine?" she asked.
"No" the boy replied.
The teacher repeated the process and tasted some more.
"Is it champagne?" she asked. 
"No" the boy replied.
The teacher then said, "OK, I give up, what is it?"
The boy replied joyfully,
"It's a puppy!"

Two Irish nuns we're on their way to a new convent in America.
On the flight over, one nun said to the other that she had heard that Americans eat dogs. 
The second nun was rather shocked, but eventually she said,
"OK, but when in Rome, do as the Romans do"
After settling in to their new convent, the first nun said to the second that they should go try one of those dogs they had talked about.
So they left the convent and found a local hot dog stand.
Both nuns ordered one and they took their "dogs" to the park to eat under the trees
Eventually one nun opened up the wrapping on hers.
She looked at it and her face turned bright red.
After what seemed like an age , she looked at the other nun and said,"
"So what part of the dog did you get?"

An old man goes into the Social Security Office and fills out an application for his pension. 
As he is too old to have a birth certificate, he is asked to prove his age.
He opens his shirt and shows them the grey hair on his chest and they accept that as sufficient proof.
He goes home to his wife, show's her his first pension cheque, and explains to her what he had to do to get it.
She replies, "Well go back down there, pull down your pants, and see if you can get disability allowance!"
 

A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm.
The interviewer looks over his papers and says,
"This is great. You've been to the best schools; your references are wonderful, and your experience is just right.  Normally, I'd hire you without a on the spot. 
However, a sales representative is a highly visible position, and I'm afraid that your constant winking might put off potential customers, so I'm sorry I don't think I can hire you."
"Hang on a minute," the job applicant said. "If I take two aspirins, it stops my winking!"
"Really? That's great if it's true! Show me!"
So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavoured condoms; finally, right at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirins.
He tears it open, swallows two pills, and immediately stops winking.
"Well," said the interviewer, "that's all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and can't have our employees womanising all the time!"
"Womanising? What do you mean? I'm a happily married man!"
"Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?"
"Oh, that," he sighed. "Have you ever walked into a chemists, winking,  and asked for aspirins?"

An elderly husband and wife noticed that they were beginning to forget many little things around the house. They were afraid that this could be dangerous, as one of them might accidentally forget to turn off the gas and
cause a fire. 
So, they decided to go see their doctor to get some help. Their doctor told them that many people their age find it useful to write themselves little notes as reminders. 
The elderly couple thought this sounded like a great idea, and left the doctor's office very pleased with the advice. 
When they got home, the wife said, "Darling, could you please go to the kitchen and get me a bowl of ice cream?
And why don't you write that down so you won't forget?"
"Nonsense," said the husband, "I can remember a bowl of ice cream!"
"Well," said the wife, "I'd also like some strawberries on it.
You better write that down as well, because I know you'll forget."
"Don't be stupid," replied the husband. "A bowl of ice cream and some strawberries. I can remember that!"
"OK, dear, but I'd like you to put some whipped cream on top.
Now you'd really better write it down now. Because you'll forget," said the wife.
"Come now, my memory's not all that bad," said the husband.
"No problem -- a bowl of ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream."
With that, the husband shut the kitchen door behind him.
The wife could hear him getting out pots and pans, and making some noise inconsistent with his preparing a bowl of ice cream, strawberries, and whipped cream.
He came out of the kitchen about 20 minutes later.
Walking over to his wife, he presented her with a plate of sausages, bacon and eggs.
The wife took one look at the plate, glanced up at her husband and said,
"I told you to write it down or you would forget!!
You forgot the toast??"
 

Paddy had felt guilty for weeks.
No matter how much he tried to put it out of his mind he couldn't forget about it, he just couldn't.
The guilt and sense of betrayal was eating away at him.
But every now and again he would hear that soothing voice at the back of his mind trying to reassure him.
"Paddy" it said.
 "Don't worry about it.  You're not the first doctor to sleep with one of his patients and you certainly won't be the last."
But then the other voice would cut in and bring him back to reality by reminding him.
"Paddy.  Don't forget, You're a vet."

 

One day a fly buzzing was around a cowshed looking for food as he (or she!) had not eaten for absolutely ages.
Suddenly he (or she!) spotted a fresh steaming pile of cow manure.
Well he (or she!) was so hungry that he (or she!) dived straight in and started eating (as you would!)
He (or she!) ate and ate and ate, until he (or she!) could eat no more (greedy pig!).  Finally, deciding enough was enough he (or she!) tried to fly away. 
He (or she!) was so bloated from over eating that he (or she!) could not get off the ground. 
As he (or she!) looked around wondering what to do next he (or she!) spotted a spade leaning up against the wall. 
Climbing to the top of the handle he (or she!) jumped off, thinking that once airborne, he (or she!) would be able to take flight. 
Unfortunately he (or she!) was wrong and he (or she!) dropped like a stone, splattering when he (or she!) hit the ground.
The moral to the story: 
Never fly off the handle when you're full of shit.

 

A couple were on holiday in Israel, and were sitting on a wall outside a Bethlehem souvenir shop, admiring the view.
An Arab hawker approached them selling fake Rolex watches.
The couple were not interested but the Arab persisted, asking them where they were from.
"We're British," the husband proudly replied.
Looking at the wife's dark complexion, the Arab said to her. "You're not from the UK are you?."
"Yes I am." she said indignantly.
Then he asked her. "Is he really your husband?"
"Of course he is" she replied.
"OK" he said turning to the husband. "Here's the deal. I'll give you 100 camels for your wife."
The husband looked stunned, and after a long pause he replied.
"She's not for sale."
The hawker, disappointed left the couple.
The wife, somewhat puzzled, asked her husband what took him so long to answer the hawker.
The husband replied.
"It wasn't easy, I was trying to figure out how I could get 100 camels back to the UK."

A soldier, serving overseas and far from home, was annoyed and heartbroken when his girlfriend wrote to him breaking off their engagement and asking for her photograph back.
He was so annoyed that he went out and collected from his friends all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together and sent them to his girlfriend with a note saying:
"Ever so sorry, but I can't remember which one is you ... can you please keep your photo and return the others."

A young man wanted to buy a present for his new girlfriend's birthday.
They had not been going out together very long, so after careful consideration he decided a pair of gloves would be just right, romantic, but not too personal.
Accompanied by his girlfriend's sister, he went to into town and bought a pair of white gloves.
At the same store the sister bought a pair of panties for herself.
Whilst wrapping the goods the shop assistant mixed up the items.
Without checking the contents, the young man sealed the package and sent the panties to his sweetheart with this note:

"I chose these because I noticed that you don't wear any when we go out. If it had not been for your sister, I would probably have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears the short ones which are easier to remove, I know these are a delicate shade, but the shop assistant showed me a pair the same colour, that she had been wearing for the past three weeks, and they hardly looked soiled. I had her try on yours for me and she looked really nice in them. I only wish I could be there to put them on you for the first time, as to no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow into them before putting them away, as they will be a little damp from wearing. Just think of how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me this Friday night."

All my Love
Albert
P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.

Jim bumped into Mike the other day.
Mike had been off work for a few days with the flu.
Jim asked him how he was feeling.
"I'm better now, thanks," replied Mike. "You know, it was a wonderful experience."
"Wonderful?" asked Jim. "How can the flu be wonderful?"
"Well," said Mike, "I learned that Jan really loves me"
"How could you tell that" replied Jim
"Well", said Mike.
"She was so excited that I was home, that whenever the postman came by or a delivery man arrived, she ran out to meet them shouting. "My husband is home! My husband is home!"

John was on his deathbed.
His wife Susan, was maintaining a vigil by his side.
She held his fragile hand, tears ran down her face. Her praying roused him from his slumber.
He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly.
"Susan," he whispered.
"Hush, my love," said Susan. "Rest. Shhh. Don't talk."
But he was insistent.
"Susan," he said in his failing voice. "I have something I must confess to you."
"There's nothing to confess," replied Susan, weeping. "Everything's all right, go to sleep now."
"No, no. before I die I must make my peace, I have to confess to you Susan, that I have slept with your sister, your best friend and your mother."
"I know, I know" she replied quietly.
"That's why I poisoned you."

An older couple go for their annual medical check up together.   After the examining the husband, the doctor says to him:
"Your health is just fine.  Do you have any other concerns you would like to discuss with me?"
"Well actually I do, but it is a bit delicate.", said the man.
"After my wife and I have sex the first time, I am seem to end up hot and sweaty. And then, after we do it the second time, strangely enough,  I am usually cold and chilly."
"That is very unusual", replied the doctor.
"Let me think about that for a while and I'll get back to you."
The doctor sends the husband into the waiting room and call the wife in.  After examining her, the doctor said: 
"Everything appears to OK medically with you too, but do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"
The lady tells the doctor that she had no questions nor concerns.
The doctor then thinks for a second and says to the wife:
"Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he gets hot and sweaty after having sex the first time with you and then cold and chilly after the second time. I'm baffled, have you any idea why?"
"He's a silly old so and so!"  she scoffed.
"It's obvious" she continued, "
"It's because the first time is for his birthday in July and the second time is at Christmas!"

A young man and his date were parked in lovers lane, some distance from town, doing what boys and girls do in lovers lanes, some distance from town.
Suddenly the girl stopped the young man and said:  " I have a confession to make before we go on. 
I know I should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge £20 for sex." 
Shocked, the young man reluctantly paid her the £20, and they did their thing.
Afterwards, the young man just sat in the driver's seat looking out of the car window. 
"Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl.
"I have a confession to make too" said the young man.  "
"I know should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a taxi driver and the fare back to town is £25."

 

A social worker was visiting an old lady in the nursing home. A bowl of peanuts was sitting on the table next to her, and during the visit the social worker ate all the nuts. At the end of the visit he noticed the bowl was empty and apologized to the old lady for eating all her peanuts.
She replied, "Oh, that's O.K. Since I lost my teeth I've only been able to suck the chocolate off them anyway!"

What's the worst part of getting a sex change from male to female? When they remove half the brain.

Why do men pass wind more than women? Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure.

Did you hear that they discovered that there are female hormones in beer?  Yeah, apparently they had 100 guys each drink 10 pints of beer. They all started running their mouths and driving lousy.

Woman inspire us to great things, and then prevent us from achieving them.

Men have their faults. But women have only two:  Everything they say and everything they do.

What are two reasons why women don't mind their own business?  1. No mind.  2. No business.

What do you call a woman with two brain cells?  Pregnant

Q: How do you know when a women's about to say something smart?   A: When she starts her sentence with "A wise man once told me...."

What do you call a woman with half a brain? Gifted.

What are the three fastest means of communication?  1) Internet  2) Telephone   3) Telawoman!

Why do Japanese Sumo Wrestlers shave their legs? So you can tell them apart from the feminists.

What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence?  Divorced.

Why do women like intelligent men? Opposites attract.

If your wife and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose, would you go to lunch or to a movie?

Q: What do you call an intelligent woman in America?  A: A tourist.

How do you blind a woman?  Put a windscreen in front of her face.

What do you call a woman who has lost her mind?  A widow.

A man is incomplete until he is married.  After that, he is finished.

A businessman, an intelligent woman, and the Easter Bunny get into an elevator. There is a £10 note lying on the ground. Who picks it up? The businessman; the other two don't exist!

Q: What do you call a man who loses 150 lbs of useless fat? A:   A divorcee.

Did you here about the guy who finally figured out women? He died laughing before he could tell anybody!

"I'd like my wife to be beautiful, well-behaved, smart, and rich," the bachelor said. "Oh, in that case you'll have to get married 4 times", replied his friend.

How do you keep a woman from wanting sex?   Marry her.

What's the difference between women on P.M.S. and a terrorist? You can negotiate with a terrorist.

A really dumb guy walked into a bar and noticed a beautiful blonde sitting at the bar. He walked up to her and said,
"Can I buy you a drink?"
She replied "Yes you can, but you won't get to first base with me."
"And why not?" replied the dummy.
"Because I'm a lesbian." she replied.
"Oh, so you're from Lebanon."
"You don't know what a lesbian is, do you?"
"No, I can't say I do." replied the idiot.
"Let me try to explain." said the blonde. "You see that girl at the end of the bar. Well I would like to make passionate love to her, and kiss her all over all night long."
She looked aside and saw the dumb guy with his head down crying uncontrollably.
"What's the matter with you?!, " said the lesbian.
The dummy slowly looked up to her and said "Oh My Lord, "Oh My Lord. I think I'm a lesbian too!"

A blind man and his guide dog went into a department store to do some shopping. All of a sudden, the man picked his dog up by the tail and started swinging him around in circles. A sales clerk who noticed this, rushed up to the man and said, "Sir! Is there anything I can help you with?!" To which the blind man replied, "No thanks, just looking around."

It was the final examination for an introductory English course at the local university. Like many such freshman courses, it was designed to weed out new students, having over 700 students in the class!   The examination was two hours long, and exam booklets were provided. The professor was very strict and told the class that any exam that was not on his desk in exactly two hours would not be accepted and the student would fail. Half an hour into the exam, a student came rushing in and asked the professor for an exam booklet.  "You're not going to have time to finish this," the professor stated sarcastically as he handed the student a booklet.  "Yes I will," replied the student. He then took a seat and began writing.  After two hours, the professor called for the exam papers, and the students filed up and handed them in. All except the late student, who continued writing. Half an hour later, the late student came up to the professor who was sitting at his desk preparing for his next class.  He attempted to put his exam on the stack of exam booklets already there.  "No you don't, I'm not going to accept that. It's late." said the professor.  The student looked incredulous and angry said.
"Do you know WHO I am?"  "No, as a matter of fact I don't," replied the professor with an air of sarcasm in his voice.  "DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?" the student asked again loudly.  "No, and I don't care." replied the professor with an air of superiority.  "Good," replied the student, who quickly lifted the stack of completed exams, stuffed his in the middle, and hurriedly walked out of the room.

WORLD DOMINATION BY THE EUROPEAN UNION?

The European Commission has just announced an agreement  whereby English will be  the official language of the EU rather than German which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government  conceded that English spelling has some room for improvement and has  accepted a 5 year phase-in plan that would be known as "Euro-English".

In the first year,  "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil  servants jump with joy.

The hard "c" will be droped in favour of the "k".  This will klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have 1 less letter. 

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like  "fotograf" 20% shorter. 

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be ekspekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.  Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a  deterent to akurate speling. 

Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of  the silent "e"s in the language is disgraceful, and zey should go away. 

By the forth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be drpd from vords kontaining "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters. 

After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten  styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi to understand ech ozer.  

Ze drem vil finali kum tru!

And zen havink takun over urrop ve kontinu to tak uvr ze vorld!

The Ten Worst Things About Having a Bath

1.  When you leave a bath to run by itself, the plug jumps just as you leave the bathroom and you return to an empty bath just as the hot water runs out.

2.  Spiders can run round the bath faster than you can.

3.  If you run a bath too hot you don't realize this until you sit in the other end and burn your bum

4.  It is physically impossible to turn a tap on or off with your foot.

5.  When you lie back in the bath, your right foot slips forward until it is positioned exactly beneath the dripping cold tap.

6.  The strange looking flannel you are using to wash yourself is not a flannel at all, it is a dirty sock which has fallen from above.

7.  The dirt you wash off yourself gathers on the surface of the water and then re-attaches itself to you as you rise to leave.

8.  Lost soap is ALWAYS behind you.

9.  When you get out of the bath, the first bit you dry is the one bit you just realized you forgot to wash.

10.  However hard you dry yourself, you are still wet when you put your clothes on.
 

A young blonde, needing to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started knocking on doors in a wealthy neighbourhood to find work.
She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"How much will you charge to paint my porch? the owner said ?"

The blonde said, "How about £50.?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage.

The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "£50.!  Does she realise how big our porch is?"

Her husband replied, "She should do, She was standing in it."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

"You're finished already?" the house owner asked in amazement.

Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats.

"Impressed, the man reached in to his pocket for the £50.

"And by the way," the blonde added, "your car's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

 

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years.

He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey and remember I love you."

To which his wife responds:

"He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom.

Be strong honey. I love you too!!"
 

Is It Male or Female?

SWISS ARMY KNIFE -- male, because even though it appears useful for a wide variety of work, it spends most of its time just opening bottles.

KIDNEYS -- female, because they always go to the bathroom in pairs.

TYRE -- male, because it goes bald and is often over-inflated.

HOT AIR BALLOON: male, because to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it . . . and, of course, there's the hot air part.

SPONGES -- female, because they are soft and squeezable and retain water.

WEB PAGE -- female, because it is always getting hit on.

SHOE -- male, because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging out.

COPIER -- female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up -- because it is an effective reproductive device when the right buttons are pushed -- because it can wreak havoc when the wrong buttons are pushed.

ZIPLOC BAGS -- male, because they hold everything in, but you can always see right through them.

UNDERGROUND -- male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.


HAMMER -- male, because it hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.

REMOTE CONTROL -- Definitely female, because it gives men pleasure; he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.
 

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the cashier.

He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a £30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Pattie looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Pattie explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed. Very confused, Pattie explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow £30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"











The bank manager looks back at her and says...

"It's a knickknack, Pattie Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."