The Wit and Wisdom of the Famous

Great Sporting Moments!

And Finally



Revenge is Sweet
 

Quotes From Groucho Marx:

 
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
 
Room service? Send up a larger room.

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?
 
Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.

He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.

Ice Water? Get some Onions - that'll make your eyes water!

You know I could rent you out as a decoy for duck hunters?

 You've got the brain of a four-year-old boy, and I'll bet he was glad to get rid of it.
 
A man's only as old as the woman he feels.

Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me?

Why, I'd horsewhip you if I had a horse.

One morning I shot an elephant in my pyjamas. How he got into my pyjamas I'll never know.
 
I must say that I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a book.

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.

If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.

I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

Remember men, we're fighting for this woman's honor; which is probably more than she ever did.

Women should be obscene and not heard.

After his introduction on a music/variety show, Groucho and the host both sat down at center stage.
Host: "I'm a big fan of yours, Groucho."
Groucho: "If it gets any hotter in here I could use a big fan."

Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!
 
Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.

As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife.

I married your mother because I wanted children, imagine my disappointment when you came long.

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.

Quote me as saying I was misquoted.

 

Just For the Pun of it

Energizer Bunny arrested - charged with battery.

A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.

A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.

Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Corduroy pillows are making headlines.

Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

A gossip is someone with great sense of rumour.

Without geometry, life is pointless.

When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.

A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

What's the definition of a will? (Come on, it's a dead giveaway!)

A backwards poet writes inverse.

 A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft, and I'll show you A flat minor.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down under.

He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

Every calendar's days are numbered.

A hard boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.

Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

Yes Really......

1.  When his .38-caliber revolver failed to fire at its intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California, robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder:. 
He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. Happily for most concerned, this time it worked.

--

2.  Labourer Alexander Robinson of Mobile, Alabama, redefined the limits of tactlessness when he opened his eyes after surgery to restore his sight and said to his wife:
 'Boy, you sure have got fat in four years'.

--

3.  The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat-cutting machine and, after a little hopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company
 The company, suspecting negligence, sent out one of its men to have a look for himself.
He tried the machine out and lost a finger.
The chef's claim was approved.

--

4.  Mourners at the funeral of Anna Bochinsky in Moinesti, Rumania, were taken aback when she leapt from her coffin as it was being carried to the grave.
Before they could react to this, the woman ran into the nearest road, where she was run over and killed by a passing car.

--

5.  An tourist in South America had the misfortune to be attacked by killer bees as he stood on the bank of the Amazon.
Seeking refuge, he leapt into the river - and was devoured by piranhas.

--

6.  A Malaysian monkey that had been trained to gather coconuts from trees leapt onto the shoulders of a passer-by in Kuala Lumpur and tried to twist his head off. 
The man was treated at a local hospital for a sprained neck.

--

7.  In Fort Lauderdale, Florida, a sixteen-year-old youth was charged with beating up his fifteen-year-old wife after the she hid the caps to his toy pistol.

--

8.  A man who shovelled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago, returned to find a woman had taken the space. 
He shot her dead.

--

9.  After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped.
Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus-stop and offered everyone in the queue a free ride.
He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies.
The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

--

10.  In Minneapolis, 28 year old Derrick L Richardson has been charged with third-degree murder of his cousin, Ken E Richardson.
According to local police, Derrick had suggested to Ken that they play a game of Russian Roulette. 
He did not have a revolver so instead put his semi-automatic pistol to his cousin's head.
Unfortunately, he did not realize that one bullet always loads into the firing chamber of a semi-automatic.

--

11.  Prisons in Texas have banned convicts on death row from having a last cigarette, on the grounds that it is bad for their health.

--

12.  An American teenager was in hospital yesterday recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train.
When asked about how he received his injuries, he told the police that he was just trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

--

13.  A court in Saudi Arabia have sentenced a Filipino man to 75 lashes for possession of alcohol after he was caught with two chocolate liqueurs at an airport.

--

14.  Following the initiatives of the Afghan Taliban government which has banned kite-flying, TV watching and wearing white socks - Iran is now cracking down on its more decadent citizens.
Ayatollah Mohammed Yadzi has decreed that dog walking is to be made illegal, saying that taking dogs out onto the streets was 'a public insult', as it was a imitation of Westerners.

--

And Finally....
A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give her an examination to determine the cause of her daughters swollen abdomen.
It took the doctor about 2 seconds to say "Gimmee a break lady! Your daughter is pregnant."
The mother turned red with fury and she argued with the doctor that her daughter was a good girl and would never compromise her reputation by having sex with a boy.
The doctor faced the window and silently watched the horizon.
The mother became enraged and screamed,
"Quit looking out the window! Aren't you paying attention to me?"
"Yes, of course I am paying attention ma'am. It's just that the last time this happened, a star appeared in the east, and three wise men came.
I was hoping they might show up again and help me figure out who got your daughter pregnant.

The Woman's Wish

It's not that I have anything against women,  Honest!!!   Ed.

Bowling Alleys


Car Sales


Tools


Parking Spaces


Computer Keyboards

Doctor's Notes
(These are doctor's actual notes on patient's charts, unedited)

--  0  --

Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

On the second day, the knee was better and on the 3rd day it disappeared completely.

She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1993.

The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

Discharge status: Alive but without permission.

The patient refused an autopsy.

The patient has no past history of suicides.

Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.

Patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.

Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

Since she can't get pregnant with her husband, I thought you might like to work her up.

She is numb from her toes down.

While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.

The skin was moist and dry.

Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.

Patient was alert and unresponsive.

Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.

She stated that she had been constipated for most of her adult life, until she got a divorce.

I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead.

Skin: Somewhat pale but present.

The pelvic examination will be done later on the floor.

Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. xxxxx, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.

Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.

Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

Qualifications
(These are applicant's actual notes on application forms for jobs, unedited.  You have to read some of them carefully)

--  0  --

I have a current passport.

Excellant at people oriented positi9ons and organizational problem solvink.

Minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian sheep.

I am a great team player I am.

I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0, computor and spreadsheat progroms.

Very experienced with out-house computers.

Spent several years in the United States Navel Reserve.

1881-1995: Spent my time teaching and going to school for computer science.

I flurrish in an environment where there is no inner-office tension and people respect one another.

I never take anything for granite.

I am creative, dependable, and housebroken.

I am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details.

I am an onest and ambitious person, understanding the words as deadline, professional skills, communication with people, seriousity.

I have eight arms and eight legs with excellent interpersonal skills.

I have unsuccessfully raised a dog.

At the age of twelve, I began hustling newspapers like many other great Americans had done. The only difference was that they became great.

I can adapt to just about any environment from cubicles to fancy IKEA desks.

I'm a rabid typist.

Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain operation.

Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions.

It's best for employers that I not work with people.

Failed bar exam with relatively high grades.

I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant.

Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No Commitments.

I am loyal to my employer at all costs. Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail.

I am a quick leaner, dependable and motivated.

I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and absolutely nothing.

As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investments.

....and some made up ones

--  0  --

I lost my job at the massage parlour. I rubbed people up the wrong way.

I was working in an orange juice factory, but I couldn't concentrate.

I tried to be a chef. I imagined it would add a little spice to my life. But I didn't have the thyme.

I once was a tailor, but I wasn't suited for it. It was a so-so job.

I worked at Starbucks, but it was the same old grind.

I tried working in a muffler factory, but that was too exhausting.

I tried to work at a deli, but no matter how I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.

I worked for a plumber, but that work was too draining.

I even worked as a lumberjack, but I couldn't hack it. So they gave me the ax.

I tried to work in a shoe factory, but I couldn't fit in.

I became a fisherman, but couldn't live on my net income.

I was a musician, but I found I wasn't noteworthy.

I then got a job at a workout club, but they said I wasn't fit for the job.

I got a job as a historian, but there was no future in that!

I wanted to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patience
 

Click the Pictures to Enlarge


I'm sure there was something I should have checked
before picking up my new motorhome from the dealer


Never name your company 'Titanic' if you work near boats


How am I going to tell the kids?


And Finally: Beat the jams with the new cross country Porsche